The Heart Attack Blueprint

July 20, 2011 § 2 Comments

Can you just imagine what this is from this altitude?

If there is once in my life when I feel like fainting from the richness of a meal before sundown, it would be this time. The other time was perhaps some seven, eight years ago, when I was 11. We were in Macau, at Westin (still my favorite place to stay at in the region after all these years despite the bloom of many new hotels that often stink slightly of newfound money). I was in love with their buffet breakfast back then – I loved the variety, I loved the freshness of everything, I loved the tinkling sound of glassware and silverware against the sunlit marble of the hotel lobby. So one morning, I decided I would eat a portion of everything and not bother eating for the rest of the day. I remember mom had to stay behind to wait for me to finish while dad goes up and freshen up or something. I had croissants, danishes, sunny-side-ups, dim sum, fruits, cereal, yoghurt, sausages, smoked salmon, bagels, muffins, a mixture of different fresh juices which I fancied to call my signature morning cocktail, cold cuts of every shade of pink…

By the end of it… I felt like a juvenile mom whose fetus mutated into a meteorite.

The story did not end there. Two hours later, we went to Dad’s favorite spot for suckling pig, Fernando, a down to earth restaurant on the beachside. It was that period when my parents would insist on me having a healthy diet and a regular eating pattern, so when Dad heard that I was skipping lunch, he looked as if I just asked if I could be a prostitute when graduate. Braving the situation with a smile and slowly, slowly swallowing one chunk of pork after another (which normally tastes drop dead excellent), I could honestly feel some brain cells dying.

And that, for me, was the start of a life-long resentment towards the anything that has the word ‘buffet’ associated with it.

But back to lunch in question. Have you seen heart attacks in pyramidal forms?

So it starts off like this…

And ends up like this.


Okay, wait. Before Chinese chef’s start an uproar and the rest of the world faint from visual shock, let me clarify something. In chinese, it is called ‘扣肉’ – pork belly. It is one of the most famous dishes in Wei Zhou (惠州) cuisine, and is always a terrible guilty pleasure of mine at Guangdong restaurants. The choice of pork is of utmost importance – it is called  五花肉 (literal translation: five flower meat… but literal translations never make sense), and should have a perfect proportion of skin, subcutaneous fat and lean meat. When placed in the mouth, it should not disgust you, but instead should melt instantly into a fragrant liquid and marry beautifully with the sauce, the herbs and the pillow of bun that usually comes along with it.

To prepare it, the chunk of meat is first deep fried. Then it is sliced up and steamed under a bed of herbs and dried vegetables (梅菜) before being topped off with a typical red sauce. In ‘normal’ circumstances, it looks like this:

In this case, the meat is sliced into JAW-DROPPINGLY thin strips, constructed into a pyramid, and in the hollow center – a stuffing of fungi and dried vegetables and lean meat that was apparently slow-cooked in the broth of the meat.

I. Died.

I actually felt some christmas lights lighting up at the roof of my mouth. It didn’t taste fattening and nor oily at all. It just tastes… like an extramarital affair.

I don’t know… but isn’t this a bit more elegant than its American diner counterpart? (Big Toothy Smile)


Jumping back to the first dish. I know this post would end up a bit long, but the pork and the following dish – a roast duck – are so, so SINFUL I just have moast (moan + boast) them out like Sylvia Plath writes about her attempted suicides. The duck was first glazed with oil and roasted in a stone oven. Then it is rushed to the table as quickly as possible and sliced in front of five hungry audiences. No time spared, come along duck, come along…

You know we force feed birds too? Yes, unfortunately, it’s not just a Frenchie thing…

Again one of the China’s national dishes – the Peking Roast Duck, but served in a never-seen-before manner – in three ways: the skin, the lean meat, and the combination of the two. The browned skin, (this time sprinkled with crystals of sugar instead of with the usual hoisin sauce), glistening hot and crispy, practically dissolves upon landing on the tongue.

So. Ridiculously. Good.

From the oven....

the oven again, and the obnoxious girl clutching the camera

And then they chill for a short while on a hook...

And then to the table side...

THE best bit - literally... browned cruchy duck fat.

You know I was nicknamed hamster in junior secondary school? I am still not too sure of the physical resemblance, but there is one thing that probably explains it – hamsters never know how to stop eating. They would actually die from getting overfed, that’s why you are not supposed to put a huge dish of food in its cage – it would actually not stop eating.

And so yes, I came close to fainting today.

Fish. Deep fried in batter. Sweet and sour sauce. Peas and shrimps and pine nuts.

Some vege roll. I felt like a cow eating them. A lucky cow at that...

For some reason, the literal translation of this dish is 'vegetarian goose'.... Hmm.


One more thing, pretty irrelevant to food.

You know how painful it is to not get on Facebook properly? Save for one or two odd pages at random times?

Well, I do. So does the girl who has 27 more odd days on the dark side.

Shanghai’s looking bright otherwise.


Xindalu, China Kitchen – Hyatt On The Bund, 199 Huang Pu Road, Shanghai, People’s Republic Of China 200080

Decor: 5/5
Service: 5/5
Taste: 5/5
Five years from now, I’m going to remember: The Beijing Duck, The Pork Tower.


Daddy Day

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

New York Strip on sizzzzzzzzling plate

Look at this babe. Basking without the tiniest dollop of shame in butter and limelight. Not  a hint of humbleness whatsoever. Bloody bastard…

Have I mentioned that I was, three months ago, a vegetarian? For environmental reason?

Sorry, trees.

Apple Crumble Pie. Scoop of Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice-cream.

Must I zoom in?

*Big, toothy smile*

My camera still hasn’t fallen apart. Might as well take advantage of that while it lasts. (Lost the lens cap though.)

I still don’t know how to spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’, I’ve to google it everytime.

Do you know, by the way, that the name ‘Häagen-Dazs’ is not a word of any language, that it is made to look Scandanavian to American eyes, and that its creator Reuben Mattus sat at the kitchen table for hours saying nonsensical words until he came up with a combination he liked? (An Ice Cream Show, 1999)

‘Hagoo..Haaaaaaagooooooo….Haaagaaah. Hagget. Hagega. Hagegen. Hagen…daaaaaaaaaaa….’

It’s a marketing strategy known as ‘foreign marketing’, as he thought Americans think highly of milk from Denmark.

Back to the pie – It is, to be honest, too sweet, too ginormous, too carby (carb-acious?), too gluttonous (a Rat has limits too) for my liking.

But then again, it’s an American steakhouse apple pie. The too-ness of the pie just seemed…hmmm, hugely appropriate.



To fathers all over the world as well.

One big gluttonous kiss from your favorite rat.


Ruth’s Chris Steak House, Shop 2&3, G/F, Lippo Centre, 89 Queensway, Admiralty

Decor: 5/5 (Love that shade of wood..)
Service: 5/5
Taste: 4/5
Price: 500-900 HKD (dinner)
Five years from now, I’m going to remember: The steak…. I mean it’s a steakhouse. And they did put enough butter. And the apple pie, because it’s so, so, HUGE.

Me Meets Meats

June 17, 2011 § Leave a comment

Pan-fried Foie Gras. Dill, warm apples, sweet bread, balsamic reduction.

Whenever I see all the oily goodness spill out as I knife through it, I would be reminded of S’s foie gras cooking encounter. See thing is, when raw, that rubbery looking pink lope of organ MUST be seared with high heat, otherwise it would melt and reduce itself to a transparent puddle of goose grease. (Livers… such graciously fat things.) DON’T pour that down the drain in case it happens, save it in a bowl, and fry instant noodles with it next morning.

One of those important life lessons a best friend teaches you.

Wagyu sirloin carpaccio with honey mustard rocket leaves & lemon aioli

Red Snapper

US Sirloin. Potato au gratin (gorgeous stuff, best of its kind in a while, not too heavy, crispy at the top), red wine bearnaise sauce.


I’ve been trying, for the past few years of my life, to perfect the sound of a bite. Not just a static string of alphabets to use every time I want to say ‘bite’, but an arrangement of syllables that customizes itself each time to perfectly mimic the intensity of different bits sand hence the distinctive emotions resulted from them.

I mean to say, one eats different foodstuff differently in order to savor the respective optimal flavors – a huge, feverish kinda of chomp for sirloins, and dainty, cautious bites for macarons. From deciding whether to start the word with ‘AR-‘ or ‘UHR-‘ or ‘AH-‘ to deciding how may ‘M’s to put at the end to considering whether to put it in caps or lower-case (for example, I don’t think the above munch was as rash as say munching into Machos Nachos after hours of working on a plaster casting in the dead of winter – I wish there was something between upper and lower case…) — it’s a tough business.

Creme Brulee. Crack'd from side to side.

You know what this reminds me of?

Out flew the web and floated wide-
The mirror crack’d from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

”The Lady Of Shallot” by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. Something I remember from my Agatha Christie fanatic phase…

Excellent creme brulee. Actually the best moment of the whole evening, was in a bad mood at the beginning of the meal. The ‘crack’ that the pane of caramelized glass whispered was such a beautiful sound.

I know I know this is just a petit four

But such a lovely one at that. I don’t care much for the cookies next to it, I always feel like cookies at the end is such an anti-climax. This one has some sort of milk chocolate ganache with almond slices between two thin layers of dark chocolate.

Oh endorphination…


Steik World Meats, Shop 14 Level 3, K11, 18 Hanoi Rd, Tsim Sha Tsui, Kowloon.

Decor: 4/5
Service: 4.5/5
Taste: 3/5
Price/head: 600-1000 HKD (dinner)
Five years from now, I’m going to remember: The creme brulee, the crabmeat sprawled across the sauce of the snapper, the chocolate.

I’ll start rating places from now on. All aspects are rated with the price and type of restaurant being key areas of consideration.

JUST PRACTICING in case NY Times decides to hire me. Oh ho ho… ha ha… ha… hmm.

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